Monday, November 15, 2010

Frustrated Mom

The past three days have been excruciatingly painful and difficult for me as a mother. It’s because I failed again.

My son, Lian Ed, has been trying my patience in almost every way daily. I don’t want to assume that he is doing it on purpose, but my adult suspicious mind prompts me to think it such. The latest incident was that he punched his sister in the rib cage area, a cause of alarm for me. I have seen him frustrated, even angry at his little sister for meddling with his toys and interrupting his games. But this was the first time that he lost his control and physically hurt her.

I got scared at this act of violence. Does my son have anger problems? Definitely he has temper issues, and yes, he got it from me. But does the recent incident call for an intervention? If so, what kind? The most I could do was to write this verse on a piece of paper: Always be gentle with others (Philippians 4:5). Then, I asked him to memorize the passage this week. I am just hoping that the Word of God will take root in his heart.

Himig, my little girl, has officially entered the trying three’s stage. At three years old she is extremely curious about everything. The endless “Why Mama?” has begun. Her naughty streak surfaces once in a while, annoying her big brother and ultimately, me.

Everyday, as soon as they both wake up, I hear crying and wailing and whining and complaining. I tried my best to talk to them both and explain why fighting isn’t good, that they should love each other.

Finally, I lost my cool and for the past three days I snap at the littlest thing. I’ve screamed at the kids to stop fighting. I ignored their calls. I was just ready to break down.

Now I am at my husband’s office typing this, feeling guilty that I took flight to escape my kids. I know that my reactions to my children will have far reaching effects on them. I know that one day when they’re old enough to piece things together they would be able to say I was not patient or loving enough. I know that like me when I was a teenager, they will have their own angst-ridden advocacies against their mother! Oh what’s a frustrated mom like me going to do?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blessing and Shame

"It was a good ten-minute walk (I walked from Kalayaan corner V. Luna to the office on my way back from Meralco). I realized that perhaps God is teaching me to sing from my heart, 'Lord, You are more precious than silver; Lord, You are more costly than gold. More beautiful than diamonds; And nothing I desire compares to you.' I started to pray for Lian Ed's milk, "Lord, please provide for my baby's milk. He has nothing for tonight." Then Habakkuk 3:17-18 came to mind:

Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit in the vines,

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

God is taking me at HIS Word! I felt Him enabling me to sincerely declare these words and claim it to be true in my life. It is not the easiest to do. Trusting the money I can count seems easier than putting my faith in an unseen Provider. But I felt God's Spirit quickening mine. It is possible to rejoice in the midst of scarcity. It is possible to be at peace in the midst of poverty. And to be ashamed of the way He chooses to provide is acutally pride and ungratefulness. It is possible to trust the God of the impossible."

Later that day, an officemate came to my cubicle and handed me a grocery bag. In it was a big can of milk. She said, “Please give this to my inaanak (godson). I realize I have not been a good ninang, having missed his birthday, I want to make up by giving this as a gift.” Tears fell from my eyes. My officemate had no idea what I was going through. I simply said, “Thank you. Thank God for you.”

(This piece was written in 2004.)